Today feels like an exceptionally bad day. That fuzzy headedness has returned and with it the lethargy, foul mood and loss of motivation. The four horsemen of my internal apocalypse. Everything is irritating me today. The slightest sound. The kids’ tabs with the music and sound effects. Even Georgia’s cries go through me like fingernails scraping a chalk board.
The ‘head fuzz’ feels like my brain is being coddled in steel wool and there’s a prominent pang somewhere on the left side near the centre. It’s almost like I can feel the gremlin burrowing deep, pressing buttons to release various effects upon my temperament. I’m back to thinking that the most insignificant thing is a huge task. For example, I’ve been lying in the sofa for the past half hour or so trying to get my ass up to boil the kettle.
My procrastination with my coffee making has led me here. Putting my thoughts out as a means of sucking out the poison from the venomous bite my depression has gifted me with. I know I need to openly discuss what is eating this Gilbert Grape and vent in a constructive fashion, so here I am.
As I’m lying here, feeling the bizarre sensation within my skull I can feel pressure down the back of my neck stretching up and around the sides of my head while this gremlin continues to wriggle and burrow in the left-centre part of my brain. This has been a sensation I have experienced for years but never really addressed it. While I feel this I feel devoid of any emotion, motivation and desire. I guess you could say I don’t have a care in the world. Only not in the ignorance is bliss fashion that we all crave.
Despite recognising these thoughts and the physical effects, I lie here feeling powerless. The kids are bickering and I can’t even muster the energy to stop them. I just keep thinking how I can’t wait until they go to bed. I hate this feeling where I dismiss their presence as a burden and a nuisance all because “my head is up my ass”. But that’s the thing…if I beat myself up for thinking and feeling this way, it just makes me feel worse. Just as I’m putting this into words on my Tab, I can feel the gremlin twisting and pulling inside my brain. The evil little puppet master is having a whale of a time at my expense.
Finding words is a struggle; I’m surprised I’ve made it this far on this post. As I wrack my brains for things to say, I feel the thoughts slip away. The gremlin is swatting the thoughts just as fast as they appear and all the while, the sensation in my head intensifies. The feeling itself is hard to describe. It’s not exactly pain but there is a pain element to it but for the most part it’s just this…haziness. A shroud enveloping my mind and sapping me of any gusto.
The tiredness is a strong side effect of the ‘haze’. I know the coffee won’t charge me up but I suppose it’s time I forced myself to get up and make it.