I’ve always loved the word ‘seepage’. It’s one of those words that repulse some folks like ‘moist’. And this week seems apt to use the word. The week started pretty good but slowly I could feel the seepage of darkness ride in like the tide. A wave of self-loathing, doubt and negative energy that I was fully aware of yet felt rather powerless to defend against. I tried to focus on anything but and at points it felt like I was winning but then yesterday I kinda caved. My car, which had been taken in for a credit repair due to an accident at the hands of the other party and the garage rang to say that what was deemed fully repairable is now too expensive and the car is a write-off. I was in work at the time and focusing was pretty hard. Especially as I had already had a pretty bad day with my stomach.
A saving grace was booking leave so I could finish early to come home and sort it out. So I spared myself a few hours of being on the phone in work answering calls only to spend that time and more at home…on the phone calling round the houses arranging a hire car (I previously declined it as I figured the car was repairable and wouldn’t take too long – naivete) and figuring out what I do next. I fucking loved my car.
This morning I could feel, what I will refer to as ‘my old self’, back stronger than ever. Struggling to get the motivation to get up out of bed and sort the kids’ breakfast and all the other chores. So I updated my to-do list with more tasks, nothing too heavy and now I feel like I’ve been fairly productive. Writing a blog post is also on my list so that’s another thing I can check off when my ramblings here end. Right now, I feel like I’m getting back on track after a challenging week. Seren’s homework is done and dusted – ensured she did it straight after breakfast – andI’m gonna be getting her ready soon for a birthday party this afternoon.
I think, by focusing on the basics, it’s regained my newly found confidence and drive to ‘get shit done’. I have my interview to prepare for on Tuesday and later that day I have a doc appointment, then my therapist on Wednesday and I’m sure there are a few other things happening next week so thank fuck I have the hire car coming later today otherwise next week would be even worse, no doubt.
I’m under no illusion, I know I will have bad days but I need to limit the damage those days have on me so I can just dust them off and get on with things. It won’t be easy. It never is. But, I’ve always said and I now need to truly believe in it and practice what I preach – anything worth doing is never easy as every fucker would be doing it otherwise.