Me, Myself & Him
This is a little follow-up to my experiment yesterday. Now, I don’t know if it’s coincidence or if I have started a change that I need to continue with to see the results long-term but I felt pretty damn good yesterday. The to-do list did help keep me focused and, where I would normally stress over not getting stuff done and having time-stealers like Georgia (the baby) getting bouts of grumpiness due to separation anxiety or having a bump here and there as she’s toddling around, I found I was calmer and approached things in a more chilled out way. By slowing down I actually felt like I got more done.
Take the cleaning, for example. Normally I pressurise myself by thinking if I don’t get x, y or z done by the time my partner comes home she’ll be pissed off. Yesterday, I just did stuff without much thought and without looking at the clock. I feel ashamed to admit this but I know it’s healthy to say that I don’t really spend time with my kids. I might be there in the physical sense of being in the same room but I rarely forget everything and just sit and play. Yesterday I put on my to-do list to sit down and play with Georgia. She was the one playing (occasionally handing me the Mega Blocks only to take them back off me and rinse/repeat). But it was nice to just sit there and watch her build towers and dismantle the block and throw them then collect them. After her nap, she decided to give me lots of cuddles and I took the opportunity to do one of the mindfulness exercises by holding her and acknowledging how it felt, how she smelled, her warmth and the small frame within my arms. It was like I was taking her all in like the day she was born and we first met. I’m not a spiritual person but it gave me this deep sense of inner peace and I was able to observe her in awe and think “I made her” (obviously not on my own).
I smoked a lot yesterday. Not because I was stressed but because I wanted to stand outside (without looking like a dick) and look at my surroundings and truly take it all in. It wasn’t terribly cold, drizzling at times but the fresh air and me taking controlled breaths as I inhaled and exhaled the smoke felt nice. It felt peaceful despite life going on around me and the sound of cars going by on the main road behind the house.
For the first time in a very long time, I actually paid attention to my surroundings. I looked rather than glancing. I know this could well be the novelty of new ideas that has made it feel good but the fact I tried it and felt the benefits means I will continue as much as I can.
My to-do list consisted of fairly basic tasks such as taking the kids to school, pick them up, do the washing up, make the beds, do the washing, do my dailies on my videogames and so on. Nothing very taxing but seeing a list that was being whittled down one by one kinda felt good. It was the most productive day off I’ve had in a long time and it seemed to help clear my mind. I also walked a lot – walked the kids to school and then Georgia and I came home then we went back to pick up Talia and back home. Seren was in choir after school so we drove to get her as it’d be a bit late getting in otherwise. Despite having lots to do, I was so relaxed and it felt awesome.
I also found, later that evening, that I had gone several hours with no abdominal pain at all. I have never gone longer than an hour with no abdominal pain so this was a huge stride and makes it abundantly clear that the pain is the physical manifestation of the stress/depression.
What works for you? Or what would you like to try to tackle your storm cloud?