In Blackest Night – Mirtazapine Day 9
I’m nine days in to my fling with Mirtazapine. Today was a struggle to get out of bed but I don’t think it has anything to do with the meds – the pain in my neck was pretty bad last night and as I was getting out of bed this morning I twisted inadvertently which resulted in me being barely able to move my head. I ended up falling back to sleep and able to get up out of bed around 11:30. I sincerely wish this pain would go – it’s really affecting my mood and I am vile as a result.
The weird feeling when stress starts is pretty much the same and I mentioned that to the doctor yesterday when I went to get this pain checked out. In regards to the palpitations and this change in my anxiety, he reckons it’s just the meds. I figured as much but it was good to hear it from a professional as opposed to me jumping to conclusions. He checked my neck for any lumps, checked my tonsils and temperature and all he found was some redness on my tonsils but nothing of note. I can’t remember if he took my blood pressure or not – I had a clip thing on my finger for a minute or two but he didn’t mention anything. I noticed my hand was shaking quite badly as I held it out with the clip on my index finger.
I have said before about how bad my memory has become but it seems a lot more noticeable and I think it’s part of why my ability to speak is heavily affected – it’s like I forget what I want to say part way through which causes me to stop and struggle for the next word. It’s like the teleprompter has been knocked off mid presentation. The anger/frustration caused by this is very similar to what I’ve seen with people suffering from dementia/Alzheimer’s. It terrifies me. The fact that Alzheimer’s is hereditary has always plagued me but I’m starting to think the shit is getting real now.
Over the last few days, when I’ve been driving the kids to/from school, I have noticed other ramifications of all that’s going on. I wouldn’t say I’m the best driver in the world but stalling isn’t normally an issue for me. Generally, if I do stall the car it’s because my foot has slipped off the clutch if I have wet shoes or when I’m parking or leaving outside the house – my street is a nightmare for parking and there’s a lamppost outside the house which is something we have to be mindful of when parking to ensure the doors can be opened/we don’t hit it. When I have been stalling the car over the last few days, it’s usually when my stress level has increased – if the kids were fighting/bickering and I had to tell them off/raise my voice I found that my ability to multitask immediately reduced. I’ve been avoiding driving unless it’s absolutely necessary to avoid further issues.
I’ve contacted a website that deals with mental health for advice/guidance in relation to current life events and I’ hoping to hear back soon. I have no idea how to improve. Part of me thinks the issues the meds are causing just need to pass and I can build from there – seems reasonable, right? Just ride it out. But other factors in my life mean that I can’t appear to just sit and wait. The biggest concern for me is that, until I know where I am once the meds have truly taken hold, I can’t effectively do anything now as it could either a) render any changes null and void, b) add more pressure meaning the meds take longer to have an effect, c) make things worse or d) all of the aforementioned to some degree.
And this where the Anxiety Paradox steps in – anxiety over the unknown. What is the best option? Am I capable of deciding or should that be down to someone else to guide me? If my issues lie within me, can I trust myself? Can I trust someone else to hold my best interests? Should I even be thinking so much into it? All these thoughts run wild and I cannot shut them up. My head has been so full of thoughts that it has pushed some out. Earlier today, I had a number of ideas for blog posts ad even some good content to go alongside and they have all gone. I’ve drafted a post but hit a standstill and when I read it back it doesn’t convey what I wanted but I can’t recall what I actually wanted to convey…I just know it’s missing the point.
I doubt these posts are offering any insight to the workings of my mind and, perhaps, others’ but I will keep doing it. The fact that I have managed at least a post a day for the past 9 days is a feat I haven’t managed before despite saying I would. However, I can’t help but feel anxious over the likelihood that my posts don’t make sense, contain grammatical and spelling errors that I normally would bash people for. My mind nags me to go back and proof-read them but I refuse to – once I start pulling at the thread the anxiety over it all unravelling could result in me shutting down again and I hope that these posts help me and others. If not now, at least in the future.
Thanks for reading.