How The Fudge?!

I figured I’d take a break from blogging about my depression and do something a tad different.  Despite the complex aspects of life, some of the basic stuff perplexes me.  Not so much now, but when things were first discovered.  I’ve spoken about this before and it still intrigues me to this day – how the fuck did primitive man figure out how sex works?

I work in the mobile communications industry and deal with people who struggle to put a SIM card into their phones.  There is usually a tiny diagram to show you how to do it as well as the fact that most people nowadays (adults anyway) must have come into contacted with several mobile phones in their lifetime.  So how did the caveman know his spear of meat was designed to be inserted into a cavewoman’s “sin cave”?  I know I’m not the only guy that has had to guide or have the woman guide his nuclear warhead into her missile silo and the awkward fumbles and so on making you wonder if it was a mistake doing this because she’s likely not going to talk to you or will poke fun with her friends.

Did primitive men smash the ladies over the head with their clubs and fumble away without judgment?  Was she berry picking and the lady lips were exposed and he became aroused and some base instinct kicked in drawing his cock to her vagina like a tractor beam?  This shit has (bed)rocked my world for YEARS!  I pictured it kinda like a child’s toy with shapes where they have to insert the correct shapes into the correct holes only…what if they had discovered anal first and stuck with that?  The human race would never have progressed thanks to the carnal needs of the hairy horny beasts.  Or did they discover ass play first and then take the pink?  Were there lesbians and gay men?  Again, mankind would have been doomed if it was all same-sex relations (uh oh, the Politically Correct Police are coming – just as a disclaimer, I’m not saying same-sex relationships are wrong but what if the Rainbow Rangers were rife back then too?!)

It’s a mind-bending journey thinking of this.  It’s like a loose thread you pull and pull only to find it keeps going but when will the sweater finally unravel?  Never.  It’s a mystical, cosmic, infinite threaded sweater.

Next up…food.  There is a veritable fuck-ton of different dishes and concoctions but whose idea was it to make bread?  Who thought of boiling a bird’s egg?  Why would you eat fish eggs?  Out of all the things you could have, why eat snails or frog legs?  I mean, you would think that would be the act of the impoverished with no alternative but to consume the wildlife they find themselves living amongst but instead they are the delicacies of the upper class (or were until the lines became blurred).

I look at a fish and feel repulsed by it.  I immediately think slimy, horrid texture and certainly not something to be eaten.  What bizarre person first figured it’d be a good idea?  It’s like…I might look at a dog shit and think “Oooh, looks like a walnut whip” but I sure as fuck ain’t gonna let the fact it looks like something pleasant override the immediate repulsion at the very notion of feasting upon it.  Perhaps I lack the imagination or, because I am MAAAAAANY generations descended, I cannot relate or understand the rationale behind the thought processes that were involved. Then again, is thinking about tearing mouth-sized chunks out of a chicken any different to licking the tingly bit of a 9V battery?

I’m leaving this with more questions than answers and hopefully this pickles your brain as much as mine.  What do you always struggle to comprehend?  Share below!