Fear & Loathing In Merthyr Tydfil
I wanna start off by saying now, I am not being plagued by visions of bats or dinosaurs and other nasties!
I seem to have been bitten by the ‘muse bug’, though…this will be my third blog post today (the other two are over on the Nerdgazzum blog).
I am currently riding the highs of cocodamol and oramorph – the pains have been exceptionally worse these last few days and I’m awaiting an appointment from the hospital. I have even prevented myself from taking the painkillers when I’ve needed them just to prove that I am not addicted to them. Spiting myself for the benefit of others.
Since I last posted, I’ve been back to the doctor 2 or 3 times…maybe more (I’ve lost track). My concept of time is all over the place (the lack of a routine with work has meant days just merge into one another and I lose track) especially this last week seeing as the kids are on half-term. And they have driven me insane.
Lauren started back at work last weekend (only a few hours last Saturday & Sunday) and she’s back on full shifts this weekend. Thankfully the kids haven’t been too bad today as I was dreading having a full day of being on my own considering their behaviour of late and the pain I’ve been in. Plus my mood. It’s bothered me for a long time but having all this time off work and being in pain and all that other drama has caused it to be more noticeable. I am a moody fuck. I’ve taken to Google and, I’ve suspected for a while that it may be a chemical imbalance (potentially) or just me being a miserable prick it’s just my way. Being Scottish doesn’t help, I’m sure. But I don’t really wanna take these issues to the doctor as my list of woes feels like a piss-take!
I’m trying to be more upbeat (which is very difficult, especially with the worry of my most immediate ailment hanging over me like your typical ACME anvil) and I’m also trying to help myself. I’ve started eating more healthily (again) as I have gained over two stone since I have been off work ill. As I’m not walking to/from work (approx 2.4 miles in total per day – some weeks I work 3 days other weeks I work 4) plus the pacing I would be doing in work and walking about on my breaks (usually jaunts to the canteen for cups of tea or of course to go on lunch) I am getting very little exercise and when I do get the gusto to do something such as go for a walk or something, I end up overdoing it and become dormant again for a while as I’ve scunnered myself (an awesome word I haven’t really used since moving from Scotland).
So I figured eating healthily (which serves two purposes really – upcoming wedding next year) may improve my physical condition which may, in turn, have a positive effect on my mentality. It’s causing havoc on me at the moment as I miss sugar. I haven’t cut sugar out totally – it’s impossible as various food items contain it – but no fizzy drinks or chocolate…it’s killing me! Plus the feeling of being hungry is a pain. Where I would normally stuff my face with crisps, biscuits and sweets (even though it’s not filling I’m eating) I am now having a low fat yoghurt or piece of fruit. Again, being off work hasn’t helped with my diet: in work, I would take enough snacks for each break as well as take my own meal in. Being home, you can just gorge because it’s THERE.
What makes things worse is I just feel so…disconnected…from things. Days come and go without anything eventful (usually) and it feels like I’m just coasting through life and I should care but I don’t. Or at least I feel I don’t. Everything feels like it’s getting on top of me and the fact that my Mum’s 70th is in a couple of weeks, a day after I turn 31 just seems to amplify these feelings.
I lose focus; my concentration is in tatters. Arguments are a daily occurrence and my blood feels like it’s constantly at boiling point. I actually feel HATRED coursing through my veins. The tiniest thing stresses me out and I get angrier at the fact that I recognise it happening but it feels like there’s no stopping it. It’s kinda like those occasions when you can see something happening (i.e. something about to fall) before your eyes, almost to the point where it’s in slow motion but try as hard as you like, you can’t stop what you know will happen.
On the rare occasions where I feel good/accomplished about something, something shortly follows that shits over my parade like a flock of seagulls. This is probably why I feel like I need to avoid the productive side so as to avoid it then getting shit all over. I guess you could say I’m stifling myself.
I feel isolated in my battle with this pain – no further forward in terms of a diagnosis, I’m controlling (well, attempting to – it’s not very effective) the pain with the same medication which will eventually stop working completely as I grow more and more accustomed to it. No one understands what it feels like and just expects me to carry on as if nothing is going on. I can’t even seek others in a similar position as I don’t know what’s wrong! And worst of all, I’m sick of feeling like this as it’s all I can, and have to, talk about really and it’s pissing me off because it feels like it’s all ‘me, me, me’ and I’m not good at nor do I feel comfortable talking about myself. After all, the one person that needs to/should read this won’t so that doesn’t really make me feel like doing it but putting it all down here on my blog is a way of just getting this shit off my chest.
I don’t know how coherent this piece will be…I’ve gone away and come back to it a number of times today and each time I have come back my train of thought has been on a different set of tracks.